Change of Heart
by Remarkable1
Summary: Synopsis: Chakotay first person POV: It's all I ever wanted since I left Voyager, but now all I can think of is her.


Author's note: I am primarily a Harry Potter fan fiction author, but have been drawn to dabble in the Voyager fan fiction universe. Once upon a time a young married woman in the mid to late nineties had a family and busy job to take care of, so she never got around to watching most of Voyager. Twenty years later, she is finally making up for lost time and loving every second of every episode, and having discovered the J/C pairing, fell in love and has been devouring every fic she can find. Any recs for the author are welcome in reviews, as are any ACTIVE fan sites or discussion boards. Thank you, and please review!

2nd Author's Note: This is Chakotay first person POV – constructive crit is encouraged and taken into consideration. No flames please. I am a woman, so it's going to have a woman's slant obviously. I leave many things purposely vague and up to a reader's imagination. Because I am only into the 3rd season on Netflix, I do not have names, history, dates, technobabble or a beta to help me with these things. I choose to focus on a bit of plot, dialogue and inner thoughts.

Synopsis: Chakotay first person POV: It's all I ever wanted since I left Voyager, but now all I can think of is _her._

Change of Heart

My heart is beating so fast it's going to shove its way straight past my stiff uniform and send my combadge flying right into the Admiral's face. He's going to shit a brick when I tell him I'm turning down the command they're offering me. What an opportunity, I know! It's all I've ever wanted since I left Voyager – to have my own starship, my own command – but now _she_ is all I can think of. The thought of not seeing her again for three or more years is hell, simply unbearable. Dammit! We all know there are no guarantees when we go on deep space assignment.

I just _have_ to find a way to get assigned to her ship! From what information I've been able to glean, she's leaving on assignment in four days' time. I will serve under her forever if it means I can just be around her.

Gods, does this man ever shut up? Shit, he's smiling. Here we go!

"Let me be the first to congratulate you, _Captain_ Chakotay, on your well-earned commission."

I feel dead inside, numb, not at all how I imagined this moment would feel. I've built myself up in anticipation, for months, but in retrospect it's all been a waste of time, a cover for how I've really been feeling and what I've been trying to run from.

Here he comes. The Admiral is coming around the desk, leaning in to pin that fourth pip on my collar. I raise my hand, keeping my eyes downcast and quirk my lips just a touch. Looking back up, I see that the Admiral seems confused. I don't blame the man.

"Is something wrong?"

I am hesitant to tell him the truth. Should I lie? Tell the truth? I feel a combination of both might suit best in this given situation.

"Yes – I mean no- I mean – oh, shit, how can I put this?"

' _Real eloquent, Chakotay,'_ I admonish myself silently.

The Admiral has the most ridiculously dumbstruck look on his face and he hasn't noticed that he's dropped the pip onto the floor.

"I beg your pardon?"

There's nothing for it, I simply need to get it out.

"I'm turning down the commission."

"Are you insane? We don't extend the captain's chair to just anyone, you know!"

I've offended him. He seems very agitated, irritated, but I can't help how he's feeling. This is too important for me to go back on it now.

"Yes, I know, Admiral, and this is not a decision I make lightly."

The Admiral is wiping his forehead with the back of his hand, turning away from me.

"Care to explain?"

He sounds angry, but with each passing second my decision solidifies with the firm vision of _her_ smile, so real I can almost touch her, but for only being in my imagination.

"I have a request, Sir."

I am not expecting him to round on me with such fury.

"A _request_? You've got some goddamn nerve, _Commander_ ," he emphasizes, dissatisfied that I'm not flinching or cowering for his satisfaction, perhaps. He's in my face, searching, the old skin on his face crinkled into worn, and leathery strips. The man's got to be approaching one-hundred and twenty years of age.

I muse privately, _'It's no wonder he's a bit short tempered, under the circumstances.'_

He's speaking to me again.

"Listen closely, young man. I stuck my neck out for you when the others wanted to throw you into a Maquis prison. Admiral Paris and I took a lot of flak for sticking up for you. Now, you're throwing this commission back in my face? How _dare_ you!"

I am expecting censure, hell, anything apart from how he actually reacts, but he surprises me by turning away once more, sighing in defeat.

There really is nothing I can say that won't sound ungrateful, just an excuse to him at this point. I just want to go – to leave this place so I can purse _her_.

He surprises me again.

"State your request. If it is within my power, it will be granted. It's the least we can do to reward you for your service, although I _had_ planned your reward to be the captaincy you so casually turned down."

His emphasis is again duly noted. I am greatly humbled by this man and his ability to see the situation as more than the sum of its physical and verbal constructs.

Okay, here goes nothing. Hands behind my back, chin up, chest out like a good Federation officer. "I assure you, Admiral, there is nothing casual about my refusal. I formally request for a deep space assignment aboard Captain Janeway's vessel."

The Admiral lets out an exulted bellow that shocks me.

" _Janeway_?" he laughs, gasping as only an old man can. "Didn't you get enough of her company in the Delta quadrant?"

I'm deadly serious in my convictions. It's important I convey that to this respected and highly decorated man. I can't afford to explain myself. He will either have to accept my request without an explanation, or refuse me.

"No, Sir."

I imagine it's my succinct reply that catches him short. His rheumy blue eyes narrow and he trips forward, pointing a finger at me. Unsurprised, he catches on so quickly I listen with my heart and balls in my throat.

"Now – NOW I understand what she meant the night she turned down Admiral. Yes, yes, it all makes sense now."

Maybe to him, but it's my turn to feel deeply perplexed. What the hell is he on about? I am aware Katherine turned down Admiral, but not as to her reasoning.

The older man picks up his cane and pushes the bottom of it into my chest, sending me back a few steps.

"Sir?"

"You two think you can fool me? Bah!"

Shit, he's actually spitting on the floor. I try not to look at him with disgust. There's that gnarled finger again. What _is_ it with him and poking at me? It's very annoying.

"I was in love once, you know, many years ago. She's dead now." He waves his hand, batting away the stray thought. He rolls his eyes and huffs at me. "Fine, fine, then, get on with it. Request granted."

"YES!" I can't help it. The feelings inside me are erratic, wild and ecstatic, hopeful and terrified. Spirits, I feel like a little boy again and pump my fist in the air.

The Admiral is looking at me like I'm certifiably nuts. He clears his throat expectantly and I straighten up. "Mind you, Captain Janeway makes all final decisions as to shipboard posts."

"Yes, Sir! Thank you Sir, thank you!" I pump his hand enthusiastically until he winces and I pull away sheepishly.

The Admiral waves me away and I'm off like a rocket.

"Commander!"

"Sir?"

"Good luck."

I nod once, curtly.

A look passes between us, not as Starfleet officers, but as men, and in that moment, I know he truly understands.

Xo xo xo xo xo

I chime the door to her ready room. Spirits, I pray the last minute change with her head of security doesn't cause her to blow a warp coil!

"Come!"

This is it.

Entering swiftly, I notice she is deeply engrossed in a PADD and a cup of coffee. Oh yes, she's as beautiful as ever.

The few minutes wait in front of her desk seems interminable.

Kathryn glances up at me, clearly expecting someone else. She drops her coffee mug with a shocked, " _Chakotay?_ "

"Yes Captain – Kathryn."

The fact that she ignores her spilled coffee speaks volumes. Hand over hand she circles the desk, coming to stand before me. Her lovely eyes travel from my own to polished boots and back again, lingering on the pips at my neck. I know she's heard about my promotion.

One word. "Why?" she asks.

"Why not?" I counter in an attempt at levity.

"That's not an answer," she almost whispers, a hand now lay on the center of my chest.

I am positive she can feel the erratic beat thundering for her there.

"There are no perfect answers when you realize you're in love," I add, hoping she will respond favorably to this.

You'd have thought a ton of bricks hit her for the recoil of that warm hand.

" _Love?_ That's why you're on my ship?" She sounds bitter, and I can already anticipate the tide of wrath at the impending misunderstanding. Her eyes spit phaser fire right through me.

"It's not what you think!"

"Don't you _dare_ dictate to me what I think! You have no right!"

I catch her flying strike before it lands on my cheek. I've always loved her fire, even when it's misplaced.

"Unhand me!"

"Listen to me!"

"Why should I?"

"Because YOU are the woman I'm in love with, dammit!"

A limp rag would have won a contest between itself and her arm.

"What?"

For a terrifying moment I'm reeling, balancing on this razor thin precipice between acceptance and rejection. There's no turning back now. I have to move forward, no matter the ultimate cost.

"You heard me. I'm in love with you, Kathryn. And I can't stand living another day without you."

She turns away abruptly. "Well, you're going to have to."

My heart shatters. A bomb couldn't have done a better job of blowing me out of the water.

"I see."

My boots feel like lead weights as they begin to drag my broken heart off the ship.

Just before I reach the point at which the ready room door will slide open, her voice slices into my conscience.

"Computer, lock my ready room door and open only on my command, authorization, Janeway pi alpha 5."

Her staccato footsteps are muffled on the carpet. A hand lands firmly on my forearm.

"Chakotay, look at me, please."

Hope explodes in my chest, adrenaline warring with joy and fear. Kathryn's face is so open a heard of wild horses could run through it.

My damn voice is shaking. "Yes?"

"I only meant we'd be apart for longer than a day, because you haven't been through deep space quarantine."

You'd think that I am a first year cadet for having forgotten the two-day quarantine prior to embarking on a deep space mission.

I clasp her hand in both of mine, hardly daring to breath, to hope, to _dream_.

"Does that mean…."

"Yes, Chakotay. More than anything, yes, a thousand times."

In a blur, our lips and bodies come together in a long overdue embrace. Through the gasps, declarations and tears, I know that now, without a shadow of a doubt, everything is going to be alright.

I have her at last. My love, my life, my Kathryn.


End file.
